Dreams On Wings
by Nora-HBS-Girl
Summary: Nora returns to Llanview after ten years to make amends with her ex-husband when her future is uncertain. Things don't exactly go as planned when Bo discovers her secret...She's dying of breast cancer. What's a hard headed Buchanan to do when the woman he still loves becomes sicker and sicker? Is there anything he CAN do? (Nora Centric) Slightly AU.
1. Chapter 1

**Dreams On Wings**

**Inspired by the prompt**_ "_ _She hadn't seen him in ten years, and as she stood outside his door, she seriously questioned the wisdom of being there."_

She stared at the door for a good ten minutes before finally gathering the courage to knock. The rain had been coming down hard now and she was probably chilled to the bones...but she couldn't feel it. She couldn't feel anything but the fear that crept up when he opened the door...She hadn't even realized she was holding her breath until he had stepped aside for her to walk in.

About a million different questions ran through her mind but she couldn't think of a single one at this moment...not when he was looking at her with those deep blue eyes that always seemed to mesmerize her before...the reason she had left rather then stay here and know she could never get lost in them again. Why did she think this was a good idea? He couldn't help her...nobody really could.

"I'm sorry to just drop in on you like this...It's been too long hasn't it?"

There was a brief pause as he studied her face...studied the secret places he used to know by heart...the places he was pretty sure he didn't have a clue about anymore. "You know you're always welcome," he finally said, then kicked himself because he knew damn well that wasn't always the case.

"Once upon a time that was true...once upon a time..."

Her voice cracked and she was suddenly turning away. "Would you mind terribly if I used your bathroom? I don't know what's wrong with me? I need a moment."

"It's the first door on the right...and Nora, you don't have to worry...there's nobody here."

"You mean you're not seeing anyone," she asked, before she could stop herself, and then kicked herself for forgetting that they weren't exactly friends anymore. "Oh God I'm sorry. That was a stupid question. I have no right to ask that."

"Maybe not but...but I have no problem answering. There's nobody in my life Nora...there hasn't been in a really long time."

"I'm sorry Bo...I...I shouldn't have come. I don't know what made me think I could do this. We're not exactly friends anymore."

He watched her rush off in the direction of the bathroom. He was grateful that she hadn't left yet but he couldn't help but wonder what made her show up after all these years...and why she was so obviously hurting.

She sat against the wall in the bathroom, silent tears falling from her face. She could still hear her doctor's words ringing in her head. _"If I were you, I would get your effects in order. We're going to do everything we can for you but the cancer has spread much faster then we hoped...if there are any goodbyes you need to say...any amends you need to make..."_

Amends...how was she supposed to make amends with him? There had been too much water under the bride...too many broken promises...and...

She took out the picture of the only sonogram she ever had...a week before their child had died in her womb...months before their marriage had crashed and burned when their grief consumed them...It was too late to go back now...too late to fix what had gone wrong?

She was practically shaking when he knocked softly on the door. "Nora would you just open the door? I'm worried about you. You said before that weren't friends...that's not true..."

"Of course it's true...It's always been true...and I really don't blame you for hating me...I would hate me too...Hell, I still do..."

"If you don't open the door. you're going to leave me with no choice but to kick it down...now open the door."

He was preparing himself for battle when she suddenly opened it...her eyes still red and puffy from the tears that now ran down her cheeks.

"You need to hear this...I never blamed you for the death of our child...It wasn't your fault...I don't know why you left without giving me the chance to tell you that but I'm telling you now. It wasn't your fault."

"It doesn't matter anymore."

"It does to me..."

"Don't you get it Bo...none of this will matter in a few months...That's why I came back...I came back to try and make amends with you and everyone else that I hurt before I'm not around to do it anymore..."

"What are you saying Nora?"

"Forget it...I already said too much...I don't know how to tell you this...I can't...I can't do this now...I'm sorry I bothered you."

She was out the door before he could even tell her that it was never a bother. When he couldn't stop her, he did the one thing he could still do...he made sure she was safe. "Please make sure my ex wife gets home safe...she just showed up here and she's a wreck...thanks."

He hung up the phone and turned out the lights...it would be another sleepless night for him...he would be haunted by her words. "What's going on with you Red? What's got you so tortured?"

It was then that the cold reality hit him..."No...No, it can't be true...You can't be dying."

Nora walked into the dark hotel room and collapsed on the bed, tears still burning her eyes as she let it all out. She had come here to tell Bo the truth...to somehow make amends with him before she died...but she couldn't seem to find the words..._what good would words do anyways...words couldn't make her well again...words couldn't mend the broken hearts that beat in both their chests...words couldn't do a damn thing. _

A moment later, she got up and walked slowly to her purse. She took out the pamphlets her doctor had given her but she had refused to read...and she had to sit down when the fatigue washed over her. Silently she read the big bold letters with shaky hands, trying to prevent an onslaught of vomit- TREATMENT OPTIONS FOR STAGE III BREAST CANCER.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Her mouth felt like it was on fire as she slowly opened her eyes and reached for the ringing phone. She was barely able to manage a hoarse 'hello', as the fatigue hit her.

"You don't sound so good baby," he said into the receiver.

"Bo," she asked, as if she didn't already know his voice by heart.

"The one and only...and I repeat...you don't sound so good."

"That's because you're interrupting my beauty sleep. What do you want?"

"To make sure you're okay...when you left here last night..."

"I'm sorry...last night was a mistake."

"I don't think it was. I think you wanted to tell me something. I want to listen Nora. Please just give me the chance."

"It was nothing Bo, " she said, as she stared at the phone. A part of her wanted to tell him...another part of her never wanted to burden him with something like this. She didn't want him to watch her die. She managed to hurriedly tell him that she needed to go before the urge to vomit washed over her. She didn't make it to the bathroom because she was too sick to move that quickly.

She sat shivering in a blanket at the desk by the window. She had stripped her clothes off when she had vomited on them. Now she was simply staring into space as more tears fell from her face. She had never felt more alone in her life.

++++

She could hear the knocking on the door minutes later, but she was in too much of a fever induced trance to answer it...then she could hear the door being broken as he rushed inside.

"Nora...Nora, what happened...Nora."

The next thing she remembered was feeling like the room was spinning just before she slumped unconscious in his arms.

++++

"Drink this," he said, a moment later, as he gave her a glass of water?

"I don't want a stupid glass of water," she said. "I'm perfectly fine without you babying me."

"Stop being difficult Nora. Believe it or not, I'm trying to help you."

"What if I don't want your help? What if I don't want..."

She broke away from the conversation then, realizing she had come too close to spilling everything.

"What...finish the sentence Nora...you don't want me to see you die...that's what you were going to say right?"

"What makes you think that," she said, attempting to deflect the obvious.

"Can we just cut out all the lies Nora. I know you're dying...what I want to know, is how bad it is...and what we can do to change the outcome..."

"There's nothing to change Bo...Nothing to fix...I'm not going to be a charity case for you. And I don't want you to look at me with pity. My number is just up okay. Do yourself a favor and just go...let me die in peace...let me...please Bo...I don't want you to watch me get sicker and sicker until there's nothing left...I'm not your wife anymore...I'm not your problem."

"You were never my problem...and I know that you think we're not friends anymore but I'm not going to leave you here alone...you could have died here today..."

"What's the difference between now and months from now...if I even have that much time?"

"The difference is time...I am your friend Nora...I care about what happens to you."

"You shouldn't...You shouldn't care at all...It will only hurt you when I'm gone."

"You're not going anywhere..."

"Bo...You can't stop the inevitable."

"Who says it's inevitable...have you done all the research...gotten a second opinion..."

"It's not going to change anything..."

"How do you know...have you even tried?"

"_Stop...stop yelling at me..I have done everything I can to fight this...it's not enough... I'm dying...just accept it. I have_."

She started to cry and he knelt down beside her. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you when you were going through this...I'm here now...and I'm not going to let you give up...dying...that's not an option..."

"What if it's the only_ kind_ one," she asked, turning away from him? He was a man torn in half in that moment. _She was telling him in an unspoken way how much she hurt...was it fair for him to ask her to keep fighting?_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Her alarm had gone off like clockwork and she hadn't expected to see him still there, watching her. She didn't acknowledge his presence at first. She simply went into the bathroom and swallowed some pills with a glass of water. Bo couldn't help but notice how thin she was. _How long had she been battling this fight alone?_ He was worried about her...really worried.

"Sooner or later, you are going to have to accept the fact that you can't do everything on your own," he said.

"Bo, I appreciate what you are trying to do but...but I don't need your pity...I don't need your sympathy. Do you know how many times I have sat in the doctor's office seeing that same look on the faces of other patient's? I don't want that from you...I don't want that from Rachel..."

"Have you told her yet," he asked?

"I haven't told anyone...don't...don't you _dare_ look at me that way...this is my fight Bo...I will tell my daughter in my own time...I'm not trying to act like this isn't happening..."

"Aren't you...isn't that exactly what you're doing by not fighting it?"

"Don't you understand anything about death and dying Bo...you can't stop certain things from occurring. You may want to but you can't. I can't do this anymore. I can't go to the doctor's every day hoping for a miracle only to find out once again that my cancer has spread. That has been my life Bo...every day... and I appreciate the fact that you are here and that you are trying to help but you aren't helping...you're just making everything worse."

"Why...tell me why and I'll leave you alone...if that's really what you want?"

"I never wanted you to leave me in the first place, Bo...but you did...for too many years, you did...and I finally accepted the fact that we simply weren't meant to be...I don't want to be an obligation for you...I don't want to have to say goodbye to you for the millionth time...I can't take seeing that look in your eyes again...If you want to do one thing for me...If you want to help me...please don't ask me to do something that hurts...It is taking everything I have to get up every day and live my life...it takes all the strength I have not to beg you to just put me out of my misery...and I know that you wouldn't but...but sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up...at least then the pain would be gone...I am so tired of hurting Bo...tired of fighting...tired of wasting away...Don't ask me to believe in a miracle that doesn't exist...I've tried that for so long and look at the results..."

"You're still Beautiful Red...You always have been."

"I'm not your Red anymore Bo...I haven't been for a long time. I'm just someone you used to know."

"You're way more then that and you know it..."

"I can't afford to be...I can't be anything to anyone anymore...I'm just not physically able."

"Why won't you let me help you? Why are you so determined to push me away? I know you're not my wife anymore but we're still friends...I know you don't believe that but we are."

"That's just it Bo...the last time I saw you...back when I was still your wife by law...you said some things to me that might have wrung true but...but how can I trust you when the last thing you said to me was that you blamed me for our daughters death...why would you say that to me? Why?"

"I wish I could answer that...and honestly, I wish you had stuck around long enough for me to tell you that I didn't mean that..."

"How could I? How could I stick around if you really thought that? It hurt me Bo...it hurt me more then anything...especially because I believed it. You were right. It was my fault. How can you ever stand to look at me again?"

"Nora...Nora wait," he called after her, as she rushed out of the room. He didn't know where she was going but he knew that in her condition, she wouldn't get far. He was right. She hadn't even made it to the car when she had collapsed. "I'm so sorry," he said, as he approached her. "Please let her be okay. Please."

When he pulled her back from where she had fallen face first, he saw the blood that she had obviously just thrown up. "Oh No," he said. _He might not know much about cancer itself but he knew that anytime anyone coughed up blood, it wasn't a good sign._ He picked her up off the ground and carried her to the car. "This time, you're getting treatment. I'm sorry Nora...I'm not letting you bleed to death. Hate me if you want...you're going to live."

_He had no idea how difficult it would be to keep that promise...the cancer had spread once again. _


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

_Someone help her...please, I need a doctor NOW_," Bo shouted, as he carried her into the hospital. He was instructed to place her on the gurney as they hurriedly rushed her into the emergency room. He remembered standing there shell shocked as he watched the teams of doctor's placing an oxygen mask over her face and running test upon test. He couldn't help but think that this was exactly what she didn't want... why did he suddenly feel guilty for that...shouldn't he be doing everything possible to save her? It was how he was trained...how any Buchanan would react when the one they loved was in trouble...

_Why hadn't he fought for her when there was still a fighting chance...How could he tell her he loved her now...she had so much more to fight for? _

He sunk down into the chairs in the waiting room and appeared to be staring at nothing at all...It was then that he noticed his father and Renee coming out of the doctor's office. In all of this craziness he had forgotten that Asa too was sick...it was all becoming too much of a burden for him...too much to carry all on his own.

"Son...son what is it," he asked him? "No offense but you look like hell."

"I...I don't know how to do this Pa. I didn't think I would ever see her again and when I did...I certainly didn't expect it to be like this...how could she be...be...see I can't even say the words...it hurts too much to imagine..."

"What is it Darling...is it Nora...have you seen Nora again?"

"She's...she's here...in the hospital...she's dying...damn it, she's dying and there's not a darn thing I can do about it."

He clenched his fist in frustration and Asa knew there was only one thing he could say to make his son feel better... "There's always been one thing you could do for her...you can love her...just love her..."

And then he pulled his son into a hug. Everyone in that room knew that if it came down to it, Asa would give up his life to save hers...Bo just didn't know how to agree to that sacrifice...how to sacrifice one life for another...he loved them both...they were both dying..._why couldn't there be some other miracle out there?_

Her breathing was shallow when she finally began to come out of her numbed state... And she seemed to be a bit disoriented when she opened her eyes and saw the face of her longtime doctor and friend...Doctor Larry Woleck.

"What...what am I doing...here..."

She was wheezing now and Larry brushed his palm against her forehead. She was still running a fever and that worried him. "Hello Gorgeous," he said. "Nice to see you too."

"I need to...get out...Of here..."

Her words were fragmented as she spoke...obviously the result of a very sick woman. He would not let her leave. "Don't even think about getting up...you aren't going anywhere...I'm not going to have you pass out again..."

"I promise I won't sue," she said.

"That's not what this about and you know it...how long have you been living with cancer Nora...and why haven't you done anything about it...don't you want to live?"

"Now you sound like Bo. This is my life Larry. Don't I have the right to live it how I choose?"

"You won't be living much longer if you don't make some decisions...your cancer...it's spread..."

"It always does Larry..."

"Yeah, well this time it's in your lungs...you were coughing up blood...you'd be dead right now if Bo hadn't saved you..."

"Why won't he just let me go...it was so easy to before..."

"That's where you're wrong," he stated, as he stepped into the room. "Why are you so determined to believe the worst right now? Why won't you let anyone help you save yourself?"

"Because I'm not worth it...don't you get it Bo...I'm not worth it...You would be better off without me...just...forget about me...forget about me and be happy...please...please don't ask me to keep fighting...I don't have the strength."

She turned away from him then and he watched as she suddenly winced in extreme pain. "What is it baby," Bo asked? "What hurts you?"

"My head...Oh my head," she said just before she leaned over the bed and began to vomit. Bo held her hair back as Larry brought him a bucket for her to throw up in. She was weak and in pain but he wasn't leaving her side...Larry finally gave her a shot of some pain meds to help relax her. Bo just watched her sleep as he brushed the hair back from her face.

"Isn't there anything we can do for her Larry?"

"We can't force her to save herself if she doesn't want to...you know that better then anyone."

"I'm worried about her...so worried...why does she hate herself so much all of a sudden?"

"I wish I knew...that might explain a lot. Maybe you can get it out of her. I know you two have your problems but you were married to her once...you know her better then anyone else...keep fighting Bo...Nora's only chance is you...you have to break down those walls...and do it fast...At the rate her cancer is spreading, it won't be long before it is not curable."

Larry walked away and Bo just looked at her...and burst into tears. It was the first time he had allowed himself to cry..._he couldn't lose her this way...he just couldn't_.

He took her hand in his and felt the clammy skin of it as it fit in his own...there was no doubt she was sick...the only thing he wouldn't allow was for her to stay that way. "If you won't fight for yourself then I'll do it for you...I don't know how but I'm not going to let you do this to yourself...whatever it is that has caused you to be so hard on yourself...let it go Red...you need to forgive yourself..."

_Good advice...but would she take it? He never had. He had allowed the guilt to fester until it was much too late...until he had lost her...not this time...he would not lose her this time_.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

He was wiping her forehead down with a cold washcloth when she opened her eyes. She was a little disoriented from the restless night she spent alternating between throwing up and feeling like her head would explode. When she tried to move, he pushed her back down onto the bed. "Don't even think about it. You're too weak."

"Bo, you are _not _the boss of me...we're not even married anymore...what are you still doing here?"

"Saving your life."

"It's not your _job_ to save me...that's one of the perks of being divorced...you don't have to sacrifice your life to take care of me?"

_"It's not a sacrifice damn it...I._.."

"You what? Feel sorry for me? That's even worse. I don't want your pity."

"It's not pity okay...I'm not going to let you give up on yourself...I care about you...just because we aren't together anymore doesn't mean I'm going to walk away from you when you need me...and you_ do_ need me...I don't care what you say...everyone needs _someone_..."

"Why do you suddenly care Bo...you didn't care when I _really_ needed you...you walked away from me...from our marriage...our friendship...why should I trust you now...give me one good reason why I should?"

"Maybe you shouldn't...but there are plenty good reasons for me not to trust you either...forget how we ended Nora...we were married once...I'm always going to care what happens to you...you can't push me far enough away to make me stop."

"Fine...but I don't want...I don't want you to watch me die...Can't you give me some dignity here...can't you just let me go alone?"

"No...No, I can't...I wish I could give you what you think you want... but I'm too selfish for that...I've always been selfish when it comes to you...I'm not going to make it easier for you to let this cancer beat you..."

"Why...why are you doing this to me...why won't you leave me alone?"

"Because I made that mistake once...and look where it got you...why do you hate yourself so much...why are you so determined to check out of this world...why?"

"Because I killed my baby...damn it Bo...I killed my own child...how am I supposed to live with that...It was bad enough living with the death of _our _child...and now...now I may never be able to conceive again...I don't want to live this way anymore...two of my children are dead...two..."

She turned over on her side...silent tears falling onto the pillow. Bo felt the ache in his heart but was determined to be strong for her. They were divorced and had been for a while. He had no right to be upset over her liaisons' with others... still, he couldn't help himself from feeling the loss.

"You had another child...with...with who?"

"None of your damn business...It doesn't matter anymore anyways...we ended just as we did...dead children have a way of doing that..."

"I'm...I'm sorry."

She didn't say anything...she just cried into her pillow...Bo wanted to wrap his arms around her and comfort her but he didn't know how...he hadn't known how to do that when they had lost _their _child either...as a result, he lost _her_...as much as they loved each other, they didn't know how to grieve together...the problem was that it didn't matter how many years had gone by... he never found a way to stop loving her...and he couldn't find the words to ask her how she had...but she must have...she must have found some wonderful guy if she had been pregnant again...it still made him sad to think about how he had pushed her right into his arms...whoever he was...if he had stuck around and fought for her then maybe she wouldn't be this sick...maybe he would have been able to convince her to fight for herself. Instead they were both here...so close and yet so far away.

Larry walked in and Bo looked up at him. "She blames herself for her child's death Larry...that's why she hates herself...that's why she isn't fighting."

"She doesn't have much time Bo...her test results aren't good...her immune system is weakening...the more time that passes, the more it shuts down. She needs treatment right away."

"So what are supposed to do Larry? I can't just stand by and watch her die."

"I can't either...except it's still her choice...if she wants to die then how do we stop her? She's been fighting this for a long time Bo. I get why she's tired. Fighting cancer can be exhausting."

"I've never known her to be a quitter...never."

"Then use that to get her to fight...the only way she will beat this is if she decides she wants to live...give her a reason to live."

Bo knew he was right...he just didn't have a clue where to start...how did you give someone hope when they no longer believed in it?


End file.
